i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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