im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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