I can text with my tongue
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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