The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
