I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
