my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you didnt know i had herpes?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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