i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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