my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
