listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
