Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
