Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
