fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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