There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
