My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
