I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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