You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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