I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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