I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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