Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
