i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
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