My room smells like vodka and shame
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
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She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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