remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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