After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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