True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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