My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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