everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
