Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
