youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
