I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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