K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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