fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
