Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
