Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
