Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
