Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
