3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
