I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
