some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
