she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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