Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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