I wanna bring you to show and tell
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
