Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
he's gonorrhea incarnate
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
