His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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