my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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