Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
