Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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