Who wears a wallet chain?!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
