good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
