Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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