I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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