my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
