Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
