Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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