I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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