We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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