HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
