I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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