i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
