while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Rumble strips road head = magical
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
