Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
