worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
