I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It's shark week go big or go home
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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